I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
