This is not my ceiling
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
