we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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