Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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