now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
