life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
