his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
