Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
