I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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