I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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