this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
