Tell her she can't have a vagina
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
