But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I cannot find my penis.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
