I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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