I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
