I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
