so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
