Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
