U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
