I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
