so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
