My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
