I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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