last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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