i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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