You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen