You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
