somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.