when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?