so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too