Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.