I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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