I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
