tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
