I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
