Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
