Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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