I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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