life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
