all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
