if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
