WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
