I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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