This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
