Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
