My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
