a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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