Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
