New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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