i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
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He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.