1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
