Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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