Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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