someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
