I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
