He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think i got beer on your cat.
Two words: nipple clamps
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