Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
