just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to sanitize my soul.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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