Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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