Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
