I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
