Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
