my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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